One year ago today, I was 40 weeks pregnant with our second daughter! She wasn’t quite ready to come out yet so she stayed in for a few more days until the 15th. That little stinker!
If I’m being honest, this past month leading up to my second daughter’s first birthday has been a mix of emotions. I know every momma probably feels a sense of joy and of sadness as their infant becomes a toddler. It’s a bittersweet milestone no matter what your baby’s first year of life has been like.
But there’s more to my emotional mess than that.
Remembering what it was like leading up to and celebrating Hannah’s (our deceased daughter’s) first birthday plus the fear of losing Haven, in addition to my grieving over Haven’s illness last year, and most joyously the celebration of her overcoming her illness…have created an emotional mess in me.
My Emotional Mess
Haven turning 11 months old has been a trigger of what it was like as we approached Hannah’s first birthday a year and a half ago.
When Hannah would have been 11 months old, my husband and I couldn’t climb out of our depression. We kept going on as if we were okay, but deep inside, every single day was an emotional struggle.
That 11th month was the longest month I have ever lived. Each day as we approached her birthday the anticipation and anxiety built. And each day felt just as far away as the day before it.
That last month before Hannah’s birthday I kept reliving our precious memories with her…but also the gut-wrenching last hours with her. All of the memories were on a constant replay in my mind.
But fast forward a little over a year and now here we are. I’m thinking about what it would be like to have 2.5 year old Hannah and our 6 year old son running around with Haven crawling after them. As we celebrate Haven’s birthday on Sunday, I will be silently grieving that Hannah is missing from that special moment.
In addition to the pain of not having Hannah here, I have felt my anxiety increase these past few weeks approaching Haven’s first birthday. I have to stop myself every time I start to fear that Haven is going to suddenly pass away before she turns 1.
I have fleeting thoughts of her dying in a car accident or dying because of SIDS or for some other reason. It’s haunting, and it’s terrifying.
I know it’s not plausible, but that doesn’t matter. Sometimes our imaginations get the best (or worst) of us.
This grieving and this fear of suddenly losing her isn’t the only thing competing for my heart and mind right now.
I’m also reliving, in flashes, different parts of her hospitalization. Since she was hospitalized so close to her birth (at 10 days old with bacterial meningitis), the glorious memories of her birth are paired with the horrifying moments of nearly losing her.
The Emergency Room. Flash. The doctor delivering her diagnosis. Flash. Being intubated. Flash. Her pale body lying on the body heater. Flash. Flash. Flash.
I’m reliving and re-grieving those moments the closer we get to her birthday.
But at the same time as all of these hard emotions, I am feeling utter joy-joy over everything that the Lord has done this past year in sweet Haven’s body and brain.
Her miraculous healing, her incredible physical strengthening, and the developmental milestones that she is unbelievably surpassing…I think about these things and how far Haven has come, and I am filled with absolute joy and wonder and awe at what God has done!
Not to mention that Haven is such a happy, joyful light. She makes us laugh all the time and beam with pride. The joy I feel as her mommy outweighs all of the hard emotions that I’m feeling right now.
Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus
Maybe you have felt this mix of emotions before or at least some variation of it. Maybe you’ve lost a child, a parent, or a friend. You know all too well the powerful triggers that take you right back to those hard times and the emotional storm that threatens to consume you on what should be a happy day.
My friend, as you walk through hard memories and emotions, remember one of my favorite verses, Psalm 34:18:
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
What you are going through or may one day walk through is hard, maybe even devastating. These past few weeks as the difficult emotions have gotten stirred up in me, I’ve had to remind myself to turn to God, remembering that he is with me as I process through the pain, fear, anxiety, heartache, and joy. And he meets me right where I am. And he will meet you right where you are, too. Turn to him. Confide in him. And let his love, peace, and grace fill you.
Oh and last thing-check in on the people you know, especially if they’ve walked through loss, even if it was years ago. Know that experiences and occasions can trigger their grief in profound ways that you never would have imagined. Love on them and point them to the love of Christ.
Pressing on in faith, Jennifer