4 Ways to Let a Bereaved Person Know You Care Years after Their Loss

I’ve been wanting to write a post like this for a long time.

It’s not my typical kind of post, but as I minister to more and more loss moms, it’s evident that this topic is something that needs to be addressed. So, here we go!

So often we do a really good job helping someone when their loved one has passed away recently. Those immediate days, weeks, maybe even months after the loss of a loved one is when we typically rally around them, pray for them, and let them know that we’re here for them.

But my fear is that we often forget that grief is a lifelong process. We forget that the bereaved person will grieve their loss long after the flowers on their loved one’s grave have died.

I’ve seen in my own life that as I get further away from the day that I lost my daughter Hannah Grace (3 years ago this April), my grief is changing but it’s still a part of who I am.

I haven’t just moved on with life as if I never lost her.

I think about her everyday, and some days I feel her loss more than others…

Every family photo, one of our family members is missing and never will be photographed with us.

Every single time I call my second daughter “my baby girl” I think of my other baby girl who’s gone on to Heaven before me.

Every time someone comments on how cute my kids are, from deep inside me I want to scream, “I have more than these two! Yes, B and Haven are super cute! But oh, I wish you could see my Hannah right now. She was just the cutest, too!”

Grief is very much a part of my life, sometimes in the smallest ways and sometimes in ways that hit me like a ton of bricks.

So why do I tell you all of this?

I tell you because grief is something that most everyone in our life has to deal with, but a lot of us don’t want to talk about.

I think so often people move away from someone walking through grief because they just don’t know what to say or do.

Maybe you haven’t lost a close loved one so you feel utterly ill-equipped to speak any words of comfort or peace to a hurting heart.

Even if you haven’t lost your child or your mother or your friend, try to put yourself in your loved one’s shoes. Try to imagine a bit of what it might feel like to walk through their loss. And then allow that empathy to move you toward compassion.

Because truly, the worst thing you can do, is move away from the grieving person.

So let’s talk about a few ways that we can move towards others with compassion even if it’s been years after they’ve lost their loved one.

There are MANY more ways than these…there are probably dozens! I’m going to just highlight the ones that have meant the most to me personally.

1. Don’t shy away from saying their loved one’s name.

So often we think that by saying the loved one’s name to the person who lost him or her that she will suddenly erupt in tears of grief.

And quite honestly, that person might. Her eyes might quickly fill up with tear lakes or a river of tears might start streaming down her face.

But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Or maybe that bereaved person doesn’t begin crying, and you’ve just helped put the biggest smile on her face to hear the beautiful melody of her loved one’s name .

So often, people are walking around silently carrying the burden of their grief. They long to say or hear their loved ones’ names in everyday conversations again, but they’re not really sure how to do that.

The next time you’re at their house make it a point to look at a family photo on display and say something like, “I just love this one of you and Terri. You both look so beautiful!” or “Yum, this soup is so good! Did you get this recipe from your grandma?”

It doesn’t seem like much, but trust me on this. Finding a way to incorporate their loved one’s name into everyday conversations will go a long way in helping a grieving person feel cared for.

2. Don’t be afraid to let the person know that you’re thinking about their loved one.

One of the songs that we sang at Hannah’s memorial service was “What a Beautiful Name.” A friend of mine texted me a few days ago and said that every time this song plays on the radio, she sings it loudly for Hannah, knowing that she is singing it loudly to Jesus in Heaven.

She wasn’t sure by sharing that with me if that would be helpful or not, but she decided to share it with me anyway.

I could not adequately express to her what it meant to my heart to know that someone was thinking about my baby. Not just me. Not just my husband.

But a friend-was thinking about her every time this particular worship song played.

Knowing that someone else was thinking about my baby girl-I don’t even have words to express how much that meant to me.

Because my friend had been bold enough to tell me that she was reminded of Hannah through a worship song, it encouraged me that Hannah is not forgotten.

No one’s loved one is forgotten.

But sometimes, when people stop mentioning him/her, it can feel like no one remembers them.

Share with the bereaved person a memory you have of their loved one-something they liked to do or a special time you had with him/her.

But what if I didn’t personally know their loved one?

Share something special from their memorial service like my friend did.

You could also talk about something that the bereaved person shared with you about their loved one.

For instance, a couple of years after my friend lost her mom, we talked about her mom’s favorite Scripture and how that verse impacted the way that her mom lived her life.

A grieving person just wants to know that her loved one is not forgotten. This is especially true of parents who have lost babies or young children. Since our children did not live full lives, we worry that they will be forgotten by others.

Think of any way that you can convey, “Your loved one is not forgotten. Their memory and legacy still live on.” Knowing that others are thinking about your loved one is soothing balm to a grieving heart.

3. Schedule reminders throughout the year to check in.

I can’t emphasize this one enough. Put a note in your phone’s calendar to remind you to check in with your loved one on special occasions and holidays.

Birthday. Wedding annivarsary. Anniverysary of the day that he/she died. Mother’s Day. Father’s Day. Thankgiving. Christmas.

(PS I don’t just mean the birthday of the one who passed away. My own birthday has been tinged with sadness ever since Hannah passed since she is not with me to celebrate. Literally any day can bring with it a heavy dose of grief-even the ones that are supposed to be joyful.)

Just a simple text like: “Hey, friend. Just want you know that I’m thinking about you and praying for you today. I know it isn’t an easy day without your sister here. I hope your birthday is full of sweet memories and love.”

I can hear your rebuttal right now…

“I don’t want to make them sad on their birthday (Mother’s Day, anniversary, etc) though! What if by me mentioning their loved one, they start feeling sad?”

I totally understand, but while that may seem like a valid point, I’m gonna be real with you. By you texting/calling them and mentioning their loved one, it’s likely not the first time they thought about their loved one that day.

In fact, if there anything like me, they’ve been thinking about their loved one quite often leading up to his or her birthday or holiday or a special day of any kind.

And if they’re anything like me, they’ve been feeling their grief more strongly than usual in those preceding days and week. They may also be feeling some anxiety mixed in with their sadness and depression.

By checking in on them and letting them know that you care, you’re conveying that you acknowledge that even on days that others may think should just be nothing but a happy, celebratory day, you know they are feeling pain.

One of my friends has really taken this to heart. She texts me texts like the one above on Mother’s Day and Hannah’s Birthday because she realizes I struggle on those days. She also prays for me in the days before those special days because she knows that I struggle with anxiety in those preceding weeks, too.

Set the reminder. Send that text. Make that call. It will mean SO much.

4. Change out the flowers on their loved one’s grave.

The other day, my mom texted me a picture of Hannah’s grave showcasing the fresh flowers she had just arranged in the vase on Hannah’s memorial stone. They were beautiful.

I didn’t know she was going to be visiting Hannah’s grave that day. Right there in the middle of the grocery store, I pulled out my phone and saw the picture. Instantly a rush of love filled my momma’s heart as I thought about my sweet girl.

My husband’s parents, grandma, and cousin all frequent the cemetery as well. They change out the flowers and clean off her memorial stone. It’s a beautiful gift to this momma since I don’t get to visit her grave very often.

Find out where your family member’s or friend’s loved one is buried. Pick up some fresh or silk flowers, grab a towel, and head to their grave. Clean off their stone, and place your fresh/silk flowers in the vase or on top of the stone, depending on how it’s laid out.

Text a picture to your loved one and let them know you are thinking about them (see #2). I might be wrong, but I don’t think that there are many people who wouldn’t feel incredibly loved by your beautiful act of kindness.

I know I always feel loved when I see pictures that my family sends me!

Final Thoughts

Helping care for your loved one who has lost someone requires compassion, thoughtfulness, and a kind heart.

Even if you have not walked through a devastating loss before, I encourage you to do what Jesus tells us in Matthew 7, verse 12:

‘So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.'”

So, friend, let’s be like Jesus to our loved ones who are hurting. Let’s empathize and show compassion. Let’s treat them the way that we would want to be treated if we had lost our mom, son, aunt, or friend like they did.

We have an opportunity to love them in tangible ways not just in the immediate days and weeks after they lose someone dear to them, but for months and years as they navigate their grief until the day they step into eternity.

Will you pray with me?

“Lord, you’ve put people in our lives who have suffered devastating losses. Would you help them remain close to our hearts? Would you give us empathy and compassion as we try to love our loved ones as well as we can? Please give us eyes to see their pain and ears to hear their sorrow and help us minister to them in a way that will bring comfort and peace to their hearts. Thank you for loving us with a beautiful love that far surpasses understanding. Help us love others with that kind of love so that they may know Your love. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.”

Pressing on in faith, Jennifer